I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
