After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just found puke in my bra..
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
