im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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