I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
