i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
