Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
