It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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