u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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