Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
