i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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