The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
