I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
