the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
