did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
