hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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