You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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