I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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