went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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