whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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