Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
