i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
