At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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