i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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