I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
