He disabled his match.com account in front of me
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
