I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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