sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
