My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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