return my video game
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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