my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Did I show you my penis last night?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
