Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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