A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
