I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
