Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
