I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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