Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
