if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
