I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
