i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
