no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
