stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
