Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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