She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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