Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
