my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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