I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
