Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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