i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
