There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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