a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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